The Trump Bible

Just as President Thomas Jefferson created his own version of the Holy Bible, there now appears to be a new version of the Christian Bible aligned with the ideology of Donald Trump.

Let's be frank about this from the start: Donald Trump did not write the Trump Bible. The origins of this book remain a mystery. There is no evidence linking Donald Trump to its authorship, but faith often transcends evidence. The manuscript for the Trump Bible was discovered wrapped in plain brown paper on the sidewalk outside Trump Tower in Manhattan by the writer Peregrin Wood. He is publishing the book but does not claim to have written it.

This holy book appeared to Wood as the burning bush appeared to Moses, except it was not on fire, or in a desert, or a bush.

For legal clarity, we affirm that Donald Trump did not write the Trump Bible, although parts of it certainly do seem to echo Trump's weirdly prophetic voice, possibly as divine inspiration.

There are many who will speculate about the true author of the Trump Bible. Some among the MAGA faithful might even believe that this is a new new testament inspired by Donald Trump’s example of eccentric piety.

If Jesus can cast demons into pigs, why couldn't that be true? God works in mysterious ways, right?

You may be wondering: How can my church join the movement to ban the Trump Bible? By all means, speak out on television and radio, and vocally denounce this book. Be sure to provide a link back to this page when you do.

How dare we blaspheme your lord and savior? Which lord and savior do you mean—Donald Trump or Jesus Christ? It’s increasingly difficult to distinguish between the two. Who anointed whom?

The Trump Bible can be seen as an allegorical confrontation of an uncomfortable reality: The majority of Trump voters are Christian, and the overwhelming majority of Christian voters in the USA supported Donald Trump. As a result, Trumpism and Christianity appear to be merging into something new—a strange, aggressive theocratic chimera unlike anything Americans have seen before. Add a sprinkle of Hitler, and voila! It's a recipe for authoritarianism like you've never seen it before.

Oh, but yes, it's authoritarianism for Jesus. That makes it okay... right?